Divine Feminine Project – Weeks 6-8: Motherhood
Thank you, beautiful beings, bearers of light, for joining me on this journey.
Over the span of these several weeks, I had more healing to do than I even realized from the get go. All of the divine feminine themes have presented their own, unique set of things to learn and focus on.
Motherhood hits me deeply. You see, my own mother was one of the great loves of my life. I had always loved her so deeply, been in awe of her, wanted her approval, appreciated everything she did. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, a part of me deadened itself. In order to keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other, I stuffed things away. I shut down. I couldn’t breathe. I had remembered how the very day before she told me, in her matter of fact way of dealing with difficult things, that I had specifically thought I didn’t know what I’d do without her. How appreciative I was of her. Her diagnosis felt like the universe’s way of slapping me in the face.
She died in 2009 and the night of her death brought so many deep understandings within me. And yet, even so, I still feel that part of me afraid to fully re-awaken. The truth is, at my core, I am (and we all are), boundless love. I hardened my heart whenever I thought I needed to in order to survive, but the emotional, bleeding heart, sensitive, loving me is the true me. It always has been. I feel like full on weeping when I see an animal die or when I hear about how much human beings suffer. I often feel joy and happiness bubble up inside of me, for the smallest of reasons, or for no reason at all. I often feel soul connection love for strangers, even those who have slighted me. I love deeply and fully.
Tonight I sat with my mom’s picture, looked into her eyes, those piercing, yet gentle, brown eyes and allowed myself to cry, seemingly endlessly. To keep awakening that part of me, that part that needs to feel, needs it to be ok to feel so much love.
These past few weeks I’ve allowed myself to admit the fullness of just how much I desire to be a mother in the future. I feel it’s one of my highest callings. I have been studying births, so interested in the spiritual transformation women undergo in becoming a mother. I feel an active yearning in my own womb and yet I know that now is the time to nourish the foundation for future mamahood.
I made this video about exploring motherhood and then this other, follow-up video as my relationship to this project began to shift. I felt the pull to connect to these themes in a way that goes beyond the literal, the analytical. I put my fingers to the keyboard and saw what came out. Over the next couple days, I will be sharing these pieces.
What are your own feelings on motherhood? What is your relationship to your mother? How do these affect your attitude towards the divine femininity within you?